Spring cleaning

I have gone through another existential crisis, and so has the blog. I eventually realised that I was becoming the kind of person I fear I might become, i.e. a weirdo in his late 30s who is giving all of his remaining physical and mental energies to running. There is some value in running to seek refuge from all the crap that goes on in life - but there is also something vicious in centring one's own life on running. I did it for a couple of weeks, and never felt good.

A few changes in the background have influenced this shift in perspective. My parents have gone back to Italy, after two wonderful months spent with us here in Fremantle. So, a sudden and violent increase in childcare-housekeeping-catering duties. On top of that, my parental leave has finished, so I have had to get back into the academic character, i.e. writing, researching, and answering stupid emails. I haven't really wanted to run for the past month, and the arch of my foot still hurts - maybe I've ended up with plantar fascitis, since it hurts exactly as per below figure:

 

Anyway, for the past 3weeks I have changed approach to my daily routine. First, I have put sport on the 3rd place in my priority list, after writing and family. (To be honest, family is not something you can move around on the priority list, for it claims priority regardless. It's not like "Oh, the baby is crying, but first I must finish writing this section!", or "I have to pick the other one from kindergarten, but I cannot miss my deadline", or "Woman wants me to go to grocery, but I need to check the bibliography first", etc.). As I work from home, I have been trying to maximise the early morning hours for writing (more on this in later posts). So, when the little one wakes up after her morning nap, somewhere between 10.30 and 11.30 am, I feed her, and then use her digestion time (during which she is usually extremely easy and happy) to do a 30mins workout.

This involves:

• 5mins jumping rope 
• 3x(10 crunch + 30sec dynamic plank) (no recovery)
• 3x15 push ups with Perfect PushUp. I should add the PPU is excellent, and I highly recommend it (and I do not get any cut from their sales)!
• 1xChange of nappy (little one shits herself half-way during her digestion process: and who can blame her for that?) Having to face poo in the middle of the workout makes you stronger
• 3x20 kettlebell swings
• 3x2x10 single leg squat. This is my nemesis, but I'll get to a full one, one of these days...
• some other random plyometrics stuff

Today I went for a morning run, my usual 7.5k course by the ocean. It felt good, and body was in agreement, but the foot hurts. Looks like it's time to fork out another 100bucks for the chiropractor.

Conflicting feelings

The week ends with mixed feelings.

The body weight experiment has yielded some results. I've got back to the 60kg marks. However, it hasn't bore the expected results: yesterday I went for the usual 5km ParkRun, and scrapped a very modest 17'52''. Again I mismanaged the whole business - didn't hook up with the fast kids in front of me from the start, ended up chasing them for a couple of km, seeing them getting smaller and smaller far ahead of me.. I should have sprinted to catch up with them, and then perhaps collapse without regrets.  Why do I keep getting up early and all the fuss, to then run these anonymous runs?

Most of all, I struggle with motivation. I am not hungry for results, and understandably so. Running is a nice thing, but I cannot turn it into this life-making practice. I have been reading many excellent blogs of people whose life hinges on their running. But my life is too sketchy, I don't even know where I'll be in a couple of years, what job I will have.. I retreat into running in order to hold onto something, to have the illusion that I have a plan, a goal, a challenge to meet. But the challenges are others, I should finally publish my academic articles, get some recognitions, career advancements, feeling of accomplishment.. Even if I ended up running a sub-70mins half marathon, or a sub-32 mins 10k, what change would that make in my life? None whatsoever. I did all that 20 years ago, it's silly to struggle so much just to try to repeat it. At that time, there was a reason to train like crazy every day - and I did not have other responsibilities.

I must strive to be a well-rounded person, learning new skills and improving as a person overall. There are so many things of myself I need to change, and running like a maniac is not going to make any difference on that. This obsession with running is unhealthy, and has got me stuck. I must find an equilibrium between what, at this stage in my life, is nice to do, and what really matters.