Conflicting feelings

The week ends with mixed feelings.

The body weight experiment has yielded some results. I've got back to the 60kg marks. However, it hasn't bore the expected results: yesterday I went for the usual 5km ParkRun, and scrapped a very modest 17'52''. Again I mismanaged the whole business - didn't hook up with the fast kids in front of me from the start, ended up chasing them for a couple of km, seeing them getting smaller and smaller far ahead of me.. I should have sprinted to catch up with them, and then perhaps collapse without regrets.  Why do I keep getting up early and all the fuss, to then run these anonymous runs?

Most of all, I struggle with motivation. I am not hungry for results, and understandably so. Running is a nice thing, but I cannot turn it into this life-making practice. I have been reading many excellent blogs of people whose life hinges on their running. But my life is too sketchy, I don't even know where I'll be in a couple of years, what job I will have.. I retreat into running in order to hold onto something, to have the illusion that I have a plan, a goal, a challenge to meet. But the challenges are others, I should finally publish my academic articles, get some recognitions, career advancements, feeling of accomplishment.. Even if I ended up running a sub-70mins half marathon, or a sub-32 mins 10k, what change would that make in my life? None whatsoever. I did all that 20 years ago, it's silly to struggle so much just to try to repeat it. At that time, there was a reason to train like crazy every day - and I did not have other responsibilities.

I must strive to be a well-rounded person, learning new skills and improving as a person overall. There are so many things of myself I need to change, and running like a maniac is not going to make any difference on that. This obsession with running is unhealthy, and has got me stuck. I must find an equilibrium between what, at this stage in my life, is nice to do, and what really matters.